There are times when I feel an unexplainable surge of guilt. Though I know I have not done anything wrong, nor can things change with my feeling guilty, but still I sit and think. Would things have been different if I was not a part of that particular incident? Could I have done something to change the outcome? Question such as these keep cropping up every now and the answers that my heart comes up with is “yes, things would have been different, were it not for you”. This conclusion leaves me feeling low and uneasy.
My friends tell me let go of my feeling of guilt. Their reasoning “you do not have the power to change destiny”. I agree with them, but somewhere I have this niggling doubt, maybe, maybe things would not have been the same. I try to tell myself that I have not harmed or hurt anyone intentionally, but somehow this line of reasoning fails to convince my heart and I am left emotionally drained. The incidents flash across my mind and I find myself entangled in a web of painful memories.
Are there others out there who feel this way or am I the only one, who carries the “guilt for no reason” baggage around
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Monday, July 9, 2007
Rain
Stepping out of the office
Caught in the downpour
I rush to a shelter
To avoid getting wet
Waiting with the crowd
Watching the falling drops
Down memory lane I travel
To my childhood days.
Wading home after school
With not a care in the world
Splashing on the road with friends
Laughter of joy rent the air.
Loud honking of the horns
Brought me out of my trance
As I turned to look at the faces of people
Realised each were in their own land
Once again my eyes were drawn
To the gentle showers
Long buried desire surged ahead
To relive the days gone by
Gingerly I stepped away from the crowd
And felt the raindrops on my skin
Burst of happiness shot through me
I was a little girl once again.
Caught in the downpour
I rush to a shelter
To avoid getting wet
Waiting with the crowd
Watching the falling drops
Down memory lane I travel
To my childhood days.
Wading home after school
With not a care in the world
Splashing on the road with friends
Laughter of joy rent the air.
Loud honking of the horns
Brought me out of my trance
As I turned to look at the faces of people
Realised each were in their own land
Once again my eyes were drawn
To the gentle showers
Long buried desire surged ahead
To relive the days gone by
Gingerly I stepped away from the crowd
And felt the raindrops on my skin
Burst of happiness shot through me
I was a little girl once again.
You
Another beautiful sunrise
Another beautiful day
But things are not the same
Since you have gone away
Life has become a timeless journey
Without your soothing presence
The road ahead long and lonely
Without your existence
You know I need you
You can see it in my eyes
Your comforting words I miss
Everyday in my life
So on this day, my dearest friend
If I could have a wish come true
The only thing I would ask the Lord
Is to guide me towards you
Another beautiful day
But things are not the same
Since you have gone away
Life has become a timeless journey
Without your soothing presence
The road ahead long and lonely
Without your existence
You know I need you
You can see it in my eyes
Your comforting words I miss
Everyday in my life
So on this day, my dearest friend
If I could have a wish come true
The only thing I would ask the Lord
Is to guide me towards you
11.50 ki Local
I was invited to a barge party by my Sales team. The boat sailed from Gateway of India at 8 pm. Music, dancing and merry making was the mantra of the night. By the time the boat completed its round and came back to the starting point it was 11.30.
Since I had to reach Vasai I did not wait long and disembarked quickly. My friends offered to drop me off at Churchgate station. The indicator flashed 11.50 Virar. A glance at my watch showed 11.49. With an agility that would put an Olympic athlete to shame, I jumped out of the car even before it stopped, rushed to the platform and bounded into the moving train train, gasping for breath. Dropping into a seat by the window, I closed my eyes and tried to calm my hammering heart.
As my heartbeats slowly returned to normal, I took stock of the situation around me. There was no one around. Once again, my poor heart started beating like wild drums. I got up from my seat and walked further towards the other end of the compartment. A ray of light, a woman. Though she was shabbily dressed, she was my only hope. In normal circumstances, I would have given her a wide berth, but here the situation was different. I sent out a silent prayer and sat two rows away from her, covertly watching her, butterflies in my stomach.
The train slowly entered the next station. I waited with bated breath for somebody to get in, but no such luck. I noticed some ladies lingering outside, but they made no effort to board the train, although I tried my level best to hypnotise them to do so. The same story was re-enacted at the next station Charni Road.
By then I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be all alone in the train with this lady. It was not a very appealing thought. I was determined to get some people into the compartment at the next station. As the train stopped I noticed two pretty girls. It was a do or die situation for me, since with every stop my heart was sinking lower and lower into the pit of my stomach. With all my energy I concentrated on the two girls. Yes, the girls boarded the train. I could have shouted with glee. Once inside I notice their appearance. They were bar girls, but what the hell. Atleast I was not alone in the compartment.
The next station Bombay Central saw a bus load of ladies, kids and toddlers of all shapes and sizes getting in. I cursed myself for wasting my energy on the two girls. The till now silent train became a bee hive of activity. I could not keep my eyes open any longer. Sleep forced my eyelids down and I dozed off. A child’s scream pierced through my muddled brain and woke me up. I looked out and saw that the train had reached Dadar station. It was teeming with people. No need to worry anymore.
Setting the alarm in my mind to go off after an hour, I went off to sleep. I had no idea how long I slept, when loud voices reached my ears. I opened my eyes. For a moment I was disoriented, I had no idea where I was or what I was doing. I looked around me. The crowd was unbelievable. We had reached Bhayander, which is just a few stops before Vasai.
My eyes wandered to the cause of my disturbed beauty sleep. Two huge ladies arguing at the top of their voice. As I sat watching verbal confrontation, they turned to blows. All hell broke loose. The two ladies were trying to rip each other apart, and the crowd instead of separating them, egged them on by taking sides. Choicest of abuses in different languages, including our Rashtra Bhasha flew back and forth. Adding to the commotion were the comments of the male commuters from the gent’s compartments, as they craned their necks to watch the reality show. There was also our very own hawaldar screaming his lungs out asking the women to stop fighting. Though he hurled words at them, he kept a safe distance. Guess he did not want his head bitten off by two angry tigress. For all you know, the ladies might gang up on him. We soon reached Naigaon. Fighting and pulling each other’s hair the ladies got down. Even on the platform, they refused to let go of each other.
The moment the train started, peace resumed. Topic of the conversations changed. No mention was made of the fight. Soon the train pulled into the platform at Vasai Road. It was 1.15. I picked up my back and alighted. As I hailed an auto and made my way home, I marveled at the Mumbaikar’s ability to switch of their thoughts, the moment an incident is over.
Since I had to reach Vasai I did not wait long and disembarked quickly. My friends offered to drop me off at Churchgate station. The indicator flashed 11.50 Virar. A glance at my watch showed 11.49. With an agility that would put an Olympic athlete to shame, I jumped out of the car even before it stopped, rushed to the platform and bounded into the moving train train, gasping for breath. Dropping into a seat by the window, I closed my eyes and tried to calm my hammering heart.
As my heartbeats slowly returned to normal, I took stock of the situation around me. There was no one around. Once again, my poor heart started beating like wild drums. I got up from my seat and walked further towards the other end of the compartment. A ray of light, a woman. Though she was shabbily dressed, she was my only hope. In normal circumstances, I would have given her a wide berth, but here the situation was different. I sent out a silent prayer and sat two rows away from her, covertly watching her, butterflies in my stomach.
The train slowly entered the next station. I waited with bated breath for somebody to get in, but no such luck. I noticed some ladies lingering outside, but they made no effort to board the train, although I tried my level best to hypnotise them to do so. The same story was re-enacted at the next station Charni Road.
By then I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be all alone in the train with this lady. It was not a very appealing thought. I was determined to get some people into the compartment at the next station. As the train stopped I noticed two pretty girls. It was a do or die situation for me, since with every stop my heart was sinking lower and lower into the pit of my stomach. With all my energy I concentrated on the two girls. Yes, the girls boarded the train. I could have shouted with glee. Once inside I notice their appearance. They were bar girls, but what the hell. Atleast I was not alone in the compartment.
The next station Bombay Central saw a bus load of ladies, kids and toddlers of all shapes and sizes getting in. I cursed myself for wasting my energy on the two girls. The till now silent train became a bee hive of activity. I could not keep my eyes open any longer. Sleep forced my eyelids down and I dozed off. A child’s scream pierced through my muddled brain and woke me up. I looked out and saw that the train had reached Dadar station. It was teeming with people. No need to worry anymore.
Setting the alarm in my mind to go off after an hour, I went off to sleep. I had no idea how long I slept, when loud voices reached my ears. I opened my eyes. For a moment I was disoriented, I had no idea where I was or what I was doing. I looked around me. The crowd was unbelievable. We had reached Bhayander, which is just a few stops before Vasai.
My eyes wandered to the cause of my disturbed beauty sleep. Two huge ladies arguing at the top of their voice. As I sat watching verbal confrontation, they turned to blows. All hell broke loose. The two ladies were trying to rip each other apart, and the crowd instead of separating them, egged them on by taking sides. Choicest of abuses in different languages, including our Rashtra Bhasha flew back and forth. Adding to the commotion were the comments of the male commuters from the gent’s compartments, as they craned their necks to watch the reality show. There was also our very own hawaldar screaming his lungs out asking the women to stop fighting. Though he hurled words at them, he kept a safe distance. Guess he did not want his head bitten off by two angry tigress. For all you know, the ladies might gang up on him. We soon reached Naigaon. Fighting and pulling each other’s hair the ladies got down. Even on the platform, they refused to let go of each other.
The moment the train started, peace resumed. Topic of the conversations changed. No mention was made of the fight. Soon the train pulled into the platform at Vasai Road. It was 1.15. I picked up my back and alighted. As I hailed an auto and made my way home, I marveled at the Mumbaikar’s ability to switch of their thoughts, the moment an incident is over.
Silent Tears…
Darkness falling all around me
I reach out to you as I always did
Fear clutched my heart
As empty air met my hands.
Eyes moving frantically all around
Tears threatening to flow.
Searching for some signs of your presence
As despair creeps into my soul
Glimpsing a moment in the distance
I run towards it
As I reach the place I realise
Its nothing but my eyes playing tricks
Sitting down in the unknown land
I let my tears flow
Silent sobs racked my body
As I face the fact that you are no more.
I reach out to you as I always did
Fear clutched my heart
As empty air met my hands.
Eyes moving frantically all around
Tears threatening to flow.
Searching for some signs of your presence
As despair creeps into my soul
Glimpsing a moment in the distance
I run towards it
As I reach the place I realise
Its nothing but my eyes playing tricks
Sitting down in the unknown land
I let my tears flow
Silent sobs racked my body
As I face the fact that you are no more.
Do we care???
As we open the morning paper
Headlines scream into the face
Accompanied by photographs
Of the dance of death in some remote place
Do we care ?
We switch on the television
Flashes of news reach the ear
People losing their livelihood
As the factories and mills closes down
Do we care ?
On the way to work, we see a crowd
Men and women young and hold
Placards and banners held in their hands
Marching to their destination as one
Do we care ?
We pass an accident on the street
A person lying in a pool of blood
We see there’s life left in him
His eyes imploring for help
Do we care ?
How long will we turn a blind eye
How long will we play deaf
How long will we be mute spectators
And how long before we accept the fact procrastinate
That it could be one of us
Its time to open our eyes and look around us
Listen to the unspoken warning of trying times ahead
Its time to break our silence and speak our heart out
Because the more we drag our feet, we will find
We do care, but its now beyond us.
Headlines scream into the face
Accompanied by photographs
Of the dance of death in some remote place
Do we care ?
We switch on the television
Flashes of news reach the ear
People losing their livelihood
As the factories and mills closes down
Do we care ?
On the way to work, we see a crowd
Men and women young and hold
Placards and banners held in their hands
Marching to their destination as one
Do we care ?
We pass an accident on the street
A person lying in a pool of blood
We see there’s life left in him
His eyes imploring for help
Do we care ?
How long will we turn a blind eye
How long will we play deaf
How long will we be mute spectators
And how long before we accept the fact procrastinate
That it could be one of us
Its time to open our eyes and look around us
Listen to the unspoken warning of trying times ahead
Its time to break our silence and speak our heart out
Because the more we drag our feet, we will find
We do care, but its now beyond us.
Slow Down
As I sat on the garden bench and looked around;
I noticed a little girl playing on the ground.
As her hands caressed the flowers in the grass;
Happiness and joy filled her bright innocent eyes.
I looked at the little girl and my thoughts flew;
To all that I have been missing in life.
“When was the last time” I asked myself
“I admired a flower or stopped to smell the grass.”
The dance of the butterflies and melody of the birds,
Have become sweet memoirs of the past,
The humming of the streams and changing hues of the sky,
Are things long forgotten, in the mad pursuit of life.
Life has become one long race;
A race which we are losing at a fast pace.
As we try to overtake everything around us;
We ignore the small joys and happiness, waiting by the sides.
Take the time to smell the flowers;
And watch the butterflies dance away their cares
Sit on the porch and feel the breeze;
Rejoice in the chirping of the birds on the trees.
Spend time with loved ones before it’s late,
Show them how much you care
Coz cracks formed in relationships, you cannot repair
Slow down and live your life;
Time can be lost in the blink of an eye.
I noticed a little girl playing on the ground.
As her hands caressed the flowers in the grass;
Happiness and joy filled her bright innocent eyes.
I looked at the little girl and my thoughts flew;
To all that I have been missing in life.
“When was the last time” I asked myself
“I admired a flower or stopped to smell the grass.”
The dance of the butterflies and melody of the birds,
Have become sweet memoirs of the past,
The humming of the streams and changing hues of the sky,
Are things long forgotten, in the mad pursuit of life.
Life has become one long race;
A race which we are losing at a fast pace.
As we try to overtake everything around us;
We ignore the small joys and happiness, waiting by the sides.
Take the time to smell the flowers;
And watch the butterflies dance away their cares
Sit on the porch and feel the breeze;
Rejoice in the chirping of the birds on the trees.
Spend time with loved ones before it’s late,
Show them how much you care
Coz cracks formed in relationships, you cannot repair
Slow down and live your life;
Time can be lost in the blink of an eye.
Friday, July 6, 2007
Boys and Gadgets - The Unknown Connection
Have always wondered "what is the link between guys and gadgets”. Whenever we get an electronic gadget at home, my brother gets attracted to it like a "bee to honey". Till he explores the complete functions, the ins and outs, he does not rest in peace. I used to think it was his grown up grey cells working overtime, and that's the reason for his fascination with electronics.
Then came into our lives my little cousin, my uncle's sun oops son. By the time he was three, he could identify the different brands of mobile available in our house. As he grew up, he fiddled with our cells and other electronic toys. Soon he started accessing music and games in the cell phone. Any electronics toys given to him in the morning would be fit for scrap by the evening. Anyway that's kids.
Recently I purchased a new cell phone. As usual it was my brother who handled it first, exploring the functions and stuff. In the evening, my 6 year old cousin came in with his parents. I was trying to figure how the camera worked. He took the phone from my hand and the first question "What games do u have". When I said "I don't know", he gave me a "what-an-idiot-look". Then he took the handset and started fiddling with it and after some time I saw a flash. He had operated the camera. Thinking it’s a fluke, I asked him to click another one and he did it. And I had not even figured how the thing worked. I felt he was out to prove my technological ignorance to my tech savvy khandaan.
Anyways, the next day I took the cell phone to my office. My friends' particularly the guys questioned me about the different functions. By this time I had gone through the manual, so I could save myself from embarrassment by answering quite a few of their questions. When their grilling refused to subside, I said to my friend, "why don't u take it to your cabin and fiddle with it, and also let me know what are the new functions." During the day someone or the other (males again) kept on popping at my workstation, just to explore the functions. I was fed up and hoped the novelty would wear off after the first day.
The second day I went to my office and had just settled down in my chair. My friend comes to me and his question "So howz the phone. Have you kept it safe? " No hi, no how are you. “You don’t ask me, how am I” I complained. He just grinned and went away, and I was left staring at the phone and shaking my head.
C’mon guys, its just a gadget…
Then came into our lives my little cousin, my uncle's sun oops son. By the time he was three, he could identify the different brands of mobile available in our house. As he grew up, he fiddled with our cells and other electronic toys. Soon he started accessing music and games in the cell phone. Any electronics toys given to him in the morning would be fit for scrap by the evening. Anyway that's kids.
Recently I purchased a new cell phone. As usual it was my brother who handled it first, exploring the functions and stuff. In the evening, my 6 year old cousin came in with his parents. I was trying to figure how the camera worked. He took the phone from my hand and the first question "What games do u have". When I said "I don't know", he gave me a "what-an-idiot-look". Then he took the handset and started fiddling with it and after some time I saw a flash. He had operated the camera. Thinking it’s a fluke, I asked him to click another one and he did it. And I had not even figured how the thing worked. I felt he was out to prove my technological ignorance to my tech savvy khandaan.
Anyways, the next day I took the cell phone to my office. My friends' particularly the guys questioned me about the different functions. By this time I had gone through the manual, so I could save myself from embarrassment by answering quite a few of their questions. When their grilling refused to subside, I said to my friend, "why don't u take it to your cabin and fiddle with it, and also let me know what are the new functions." During the day someone or the other (males again) kept on popping at my workstation, just to explore the functions. I was fed up and hoped the novelty would wear off after the first day.
The second day I went to my office and had just settled down in my chair. My friend comes to me and his question "So howz the phone. Have you kept it safe? " No hi, no how are you. “You don’t ask me, how am I” I complained. He just grinned and went away, and I was left staring at the phone and shaking my head.
C’mon guys, its just a gadget…
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
The Ship
As dusk falls over the vast blue sea
And twinkling stars adorn the sky
I spot a lone ship in the distance
Drifting towards the horizon.
Gazing at the lights of the far away ship
A sense of sadness grips my heart
Its hard to explain what I feel
As I watch the ship move out of reach.
Tears well up in my eyes
Painful thoughts assaults my mind
A sense of loss pervades my core
As the ship disappears, I see it no more.
And twinkling stars adorn the sky
I spot a lone ship in the distance
Drifting towards the horizon.
Gazing at the lights of the far away ship
A sense of sadness grips my heart
Its hard to explain what I feel
As I watch the ship move out of reach.
Tears well up in my eyes
Painful thoughts assaults my mind
A sense of loss pervades my core
As the ship disappears, I see it no more.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Its been a while
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
As I sit and think of the times passed
No tear escapes my eyes
Instead I am filled with a sense of peace
Because you were there when I needed you the most
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
As I walk along the beach with sadness in my heart,
The cool water lapping my tired feet
I hear your voice calling me from a distance
Asking me to smile coz the darkness will soon turn to light
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
Lying on the bed, disturbed, after an anxious day
Scared of the world and the people around
I sense your soothing presence near me
Calming me into a deep sleep, as my worries fly away
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
You held me when I needed you
Your soothing words touched my soul
You taught me to trust when I was scared of shadows
Your belief in me worked wonders in my life
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
I know you are watching me
I feel your existence all around me
As I walk along life’s uncertain path
I know you will hold me, should I trip and fall
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
But it seems just like yesterday
As I sit and think of the times passed
No tear escapes my eyes
Instead I am filled with a sense of peace
Because you were there when I needed you the most
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
As I walk along the beach with sadness in my heart,
The cool water lapping my tired feet
I hear your voice calling me from a distance
Asking me to smile coz the darkness will soon turn to light
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
Lying on the bed, disturbed, after an anxious day
Scared of the world and the people around
I sense your soothing presence near me
Calming me into a deep sleep, as my worries fly away
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
You held me when I needed you
Your soothing words touched my soul
You taught me to trust when I was scared of shadows
Your belief in me worked wonders in my life
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
I know you are watching me
I feel your existence all around me
As I walk along life’s uncertain path
I know you will hold me, should I trip and fall
Its been a while since you have gone
But it seems just like yesterday
Harry Potter - The Mania Continues
How many in today’s generation are not familiar with the name Harry Potter. Not too many is my answer.
Ever since the first book “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” was published in September 1998, children and parents alike have been following the life of the boy wizard, whose life changed, when the Master of the Dark Forces, Lord Voldermort killed his parents and left him with the lightning mark.
Harry’s encounters with the Dark Lord, his life at Hogwarts, his best friends Ron and Hermione have become the most talked about topic. Its been two years since the last book “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” was released in July 2005. Readers have been awaiting the final part ever since. There was a short break in the frenzy during this period.
But now with the announcement of the date of the release of the new book “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, the hysteria has reached its peak. There is a mad rush to place orders for the book. Parties and events are planned all over the world. UK Postal Service “Royal Mail” is launching stamps with the covers of Harry Potter books, to mark the release of the latest book. This goes to show that the Potter mania is not just confined to kids and their parents.
July 21, the D-Day for hardcore Potter readers is looming near.
Like other Harry Potter fans, I am eagerly awaiting the release of the final book. Can’t wait to lay my hands on it to find out what future holds for Harry….. The mania continues……….
Ever since the first book “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” was published in September 1998, children and parents alike have been following the life of the boy wizard, whose life changed, when the Master of the Dark Forces, Lord Voldermort killed his parents and left him with the lightning mark.
Harry’s encounters with the Dark Lord, his life at Hogwarts, his best friends Ron and Hermione have become the most talked about topic. Its been two years since the last book “Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince” was released in July 2005. Readers have been awaiting the final part ever since. There was a short break in the frenzy during this period.
But now with the announcement of the date of the release of the new book “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”, the hysteria has reached its peak. There is a mad rush to place orders for the book. Parties and events are planned all over the world. UK Postal Service “Royal Mail” is launching stamps with the covers of Harry Potter books, to mark the release of the latest book. This goes to show that the Potter mania is not just confined to kids and their parents.
July 21, the D-Day for hardcore Potter readers is looming near.
Like other Harry Potter fans, I am eagerly awaiting the release of the final book. Can’t wait to lay my hands on it to find out what future holds for Harry….. The mania continues……….
Lifeline of Mumbai - Our Beloved Mumbai Locals
People who live in Mumbai regard the local trains as “the life lines of Mumbai” and one can see origin of the term when one see people hanging on for their dear life, as the train rambles along the well worn tracks. Every bit of space is taken up by the human specimen. Even the roofs are not spared.
But then travel in our beloved local train is not without its benefit. Listing out a few for the unaware non-mumbaikars who ever intend to make Mumbai their home:
- It fosters loves as it brings us closer (we are literally standing on each other’s feet).
- You come to know the latest brands of oils and perfumes (your nose either reaches the hair or the arm of the person standing in front of you).
- You become a linguist sooner than expected, particularly in the ladies compartment (abuses in multiple languages are showered on you if you are not familiar with the daily traditions of traveling).
- Develops athletic skills (Jumping in and out of the running train)
- Good training ground for future Asian/Olympic Games stars (Can you beat anyone who can charge into an incoming train to grab the window seat. If introduced as an Olympic sports, it would significantly improve our medals talls)
- Helps cultivate the art of multi tasking (one hand holding the bar to support yourself, other your bag/briefcase, listening to music on your ipod, reading the watch on the wrist of the person in front of you and at the same time retaining your foothold)
- Analytical skills (Have always wondered why trains have timings like 07.56, 08.11, 09.04 etc.)
- Become nature conscious. (These are specifically for people who hang outside the train and for roof top travelers)
- And last but not the least, Respect others’ space (When standing on our toe, we would not want anybody to step on your space, sorry toes.)
For people who cannot survive without a daily dose of adventure, the Local Trains of Mumbai is the right choice
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